The Dog Doesn’t Die

Book reviews & random thoughts

An Open Letter to the Pets

I haven’t read much more than the newspaper lately, so I thought I’d post this, which has been circulating on the Internet for years (and years and years).

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.
 To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
 To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
 1. They live here. You don’t.
 2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
 4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn’t speak clearly.
 Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
 1. Eat less.
 2. Don’t ask for money all the time.
 3. Are easier to train.
 4. Normally come when called.
 5. Never ask to drive the car.
 6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
 7. Don’t smoke or drink.
 8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions.
 9. Don’t want to wear your clothes.
 10. Don’t need a “gazillion” dollars for college.
 And finally,
 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


March 3, 2008 - Posted by | cats, humor, pets | , , ,


  1. I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you.

    Chris Moran

    Comment by Chris Moran | March 3, 2008 | Reply

  2. Too funny! I’ll have to dig some up for avians.

    Comment by Avienne | March 4, 2008 | Reply

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